5 Indian bands that blow ass

Taj_Metal_by_metal_militant

Some might ask, why bother? To them say, why not? You try not to litter as a participating member of society. On the off chance that you do, you hopefully make a point of picking up your scrap of litter and putting it in the garbage can. Why? Because garbage is an eyesore. More than an eyesore, a group of humans that allow garbage to become a part of their daily surrounding risk losing a part of their humanity in the long run. Garbage needs to be called out, pointed at, and ridiculed. Make it blush, then make it rage, and finally make its sense of entitlement shrivel up in the corner in self-pity.

Nobody likes to spend time listening to music that blows ass. These are bands that have been heard over time and don’t exactly leave the room smelling of roses:

Bevar Sea

Bands like Bevar Sea are almost reason enough to wish that Black Sabbath never existed, though that would deprive them of their hidden alias Fluff. Who needs this really? This isn’t dark, it isn’t angry, it isn’t even soporific..well, it is but not in the good ol’ grappling-with-a-crisis-of-existence doom metal sense. It is insidious in that it won’t outright put you to sleep, instead it will slip in a clever hook or two to keep you honest, a singsong chorus with self-congratulatory puns (ha! ha!) and then maybe work you over with a guitar solo for the shutterbugs. In all seriousness, this is basic rock and roll music that your girlfriend,  your potential mother-in-law and their shared poodle can groove to, clap along with, and generally be proud of you for listening to. And whoever wants that?

Workshop

With all due respect to Mr Sahil Makhija’s perseverance in the face of unrivaled mockery over the years, he really deserves to be called King Midas Of Shit Mountain seeing how everything he touches inevitably turns out to be utterly… shit. Workshop is Comedy Metal, just like Demonic Resurrection is Demonic Metal, but Groucho or The Holy Grail this most certainly isn’t. Sure, humour is subjective and there’s nothing inherently wrong with slapstick to an extent but really now:

Once upon a time there was this lonely guy
His ass was really big like a giant squishy toy
All his life tormented as his ass got in the way
Ladies snickering at his behind, he considered turning gay

Sophomoric doesn’t begin to describe it. The music is insipid, as expected, turned down to give the whiny vocals priority in all their juvenile glory. I’m not sure who the target audience for this sort of thing is. Slipknot and Korn fans would sneer at it in disgust, and pre-adolescents would probably prefer lighting farts on fire, but hey, any publicity is good publicity. This blog expects its cut.

Zygnema

Lame tough-guy metal inspired by former hair metal namby-pambies turned rednecks par excellence Pantera, and lost souls like Max Cavalera and Rob Flynn. Virtually every abomination that heavy metal has had to put up with over the last two decades can be attributed to these three entities, and Zygnema are here to lay claim to that proud heritage. Zygnema are brocore to the hilt; faux anger and the death of imagination are their everlasting companions. These songs are about precisely nothing, lurching and spasming for no conceivable reason, and laced with profane tirades in the hope of boosting their street cred. Kids are impressionable and this music does little to ignite their curiosity. Play them Sad Wings Of Destiny or Crystal Logic instead.

Reptilian Death

Reptilian Death play metalcore in the guise of a death metal band. A simple exercise that should be repeated with each band member here is to buy them a round of beer at the pub and talk death metal. Chances are that these people aren’t really death metal fans at all. Beneath all the synthetic sound and fury lies an immense vacuousness that signals a complete disconnect with the genre at large.  Pretentious album title and cenobites on the sleeves, but what does it all mean? Not much, unfortunately, just like the music inside.

Undying Inc.

Ever seen those prison movies with buffed up, semi-naked inmates walking around in the courtyard giving each other threatening looks with thinly veiled amorous subcontexts? Undying Inc. would provide a good soundtrack to a movie like that. High on testosterone and little else, this is the definition of metal for a vast majority of youth today. These aren’t inconsiderable musicians but they compromise traditional story-telling dynamics in constant pursuit of stop-start, rhythm-dominant, anti-melodic guitars and nifty drumming. There could be a better band hidden in here somewhere if only it were reconstructed from a fresh set of influences. For now they are Zygnema‘s spiritual cousins, a little more evolved but vapid all the same.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to 5 Indian bands that blow ass

  1. Trollkien says:

    Not fair. You said 6. There’s only 4 here. I refuse to believe it’s because you couldn’t find two more Indian bands that blow ass.

    • It’s a 6-4 win for the Great Indian Metal Scene. You should be happy.

      You’re quite the curmudgeon yourself. Who would you nominate for slots 5 and 6?

      • Trollkien says:

        Okay, let’s have a bash at this.

        I’ll go one better and nominate four including two that thankfully no longer exist.

        1. PDV: Definitely the first genuinely moronic band on the Bombay scene — maybe even the most moronic? I think they started off a wave of metalcoreyTaylor bands that plagues the city to date. Like all awful things, the influence they wield is of course disproportionate. Their songs were little more than an assemblage of breakdowns. Their lyrics inspired by the likes of KoRn and Slipknot, illiteracy passed through the filter of an even greater illiteracy. If moshing wasn’t already a thing, the Bombay metal audience would have fucking invented it in its mindless urge to recreate the terrible birthcanal rush of getting into a crowded local train wherever they go. What better soundtrack for such stupidity than a bunch of yahoos grunting about the urge to Get Them Off and sub-Cavalera tripe like Gutterment? In a shocking, absurd act of hubris, these guys had not just one but TWO albums released and widely distributed.

        They did leave me with a couple of fun memories though. The first is when their bassist dropped his instrument to join the crowd in the moshpit and his absence made NO difference to the band’s sound. I realised India’s endemic problem of disguised unemployment had spread to its metal scene too.

        The second was a remarkably fitting coda to their career: I was at a Sony music sale, where the cutout bins were spilling over with vast oceans of copies of the PDV albums at 45 bucks and no one was biting. The guitarist came in accompanied by a fan/friend who was either incredibly stupid or terribly sarcastic who runs an eye over this vast display and says “DUUUUDDEEE! So many copies of your album! You guys have REALLY made it DUUUUDE.” The guitarist looks around and says “Yeah….thanks…yeah” like he’s trying to figure out just what’s wrong with this picture

        2. Metakix: Like a cynical demotivational movie on how talent and the ability of play an instrument don’t hold a candle when it pitted against luck and a boneheaded determination to “succeed.” Awful neither fish nor fowl music that mined a baffling range of influences to little or no effect. Music that sounded like the product of kids who grew up on compilations and “classic rock” mixtapes. Kinda like an unsuccessful heavy metal version of Muse.

        3. Bhayanak Mauth: Almost two decades ago a Chakraview featuring a pre-descent into genteel inoffensive jazz wankery Dhruv Ghanekar played an instrumental called Definitely Diabolical at the Livewire IIT elims. I heard this song just twice – both times live and I still remember the guitar line, a lurching menacing riff. BM who happen to be good friends and nice guys are like the anti-Definitely Diabolical. I’ve seen them live a number of times and tried to hear them on multiple occasions and literally nothing ever registers. Me and Chax on once spent an evening hearing a lot of their songs and then asked each other “okay so now what do we remember of what we just heard?” and neither of us could come up with anything. No riff, no vocal line, nothing. They are probably the most definitively generic band I’ve ever heard — bad news when the genre is something that’s not particularly worthwhile to start with.

        4. Skeptar: A great argument for some bands best remaining in the cover zone. Skeptar were tolerable when they covered a few thrash metal standards. They grew considerably less so when they came up with rather weak insipid compositions of their own. And now they are in the indistinguishable jumpjumpjumpjump space, a depressing brozone layer that makes attending gigs a stifling chore.

        5. Bonus suckage: Halakuh, Armament and Mortar. DOA Thrash revivalists.

  2. Anonymous says:

    true shit hahahaha

  3. neutronhammer says:

    Undying Inc. surely deserves a place on this list.

  4. Aditya Mehta says:

    Devdutt, Trollkien – I’m totally inspired to make a list of my own.

  5. Champak says:

    Stop dissing each other. The Bangalore bands think that Mumbai scene is fucked up and Mumbai thinks Bangalore is fucked up. But is it? I think there are a lot of good bands(and some bad ones too) in both these cities. Come together and help the so-called scene grow up. The bands that don’t deserve to be heard will automatically be laid down, you don’t have to make lists of what not to listen to. Instead, post some bands that you think are actually worth listening. Cheers!

    • Ro says:

      He already wrote about bands that don’t completely blow ass and are worth listening to. The “so-called scene” will grow up when the bands stop sucking so hard.

  6. blackmass says:

    Hey champak.
    Fuck off asshole.
    Give your bloody ass licking gyan to someone else.

  7. MAdhen says:

    hahahaha
    Totally agree with you
    Some more bands which should’ve been there are Demonic resurrection,grammy winning effort,devoid

  8. Aryaputra says:

    It’s always the same ol’ bands, always. . . Every gig, every write up, it’s the same. .

  9. Aryaputra says:

    No. This shite is good actually. I take back my earlier comment.

  10. Anony-mouse says:

    This is brilliant. You spoke what many people unanimously wanted to say. Please keep up thee great work and hope to see many such lists!

  11. Anonymous says:

    As a Metalhead or whatever,Reading these articles made me think to start it all over again to seek or to Pursue Geniune Metal Influence in my life.

  12. turbomotherlover says:

    I can’t tell you how glad I am that Undying Inc is on this list. I heard ‘Ironclad’ and was just ‘WTF is this shit?!’ for the entire duration of the song and wondering what the hell everyone saw in this band which made them go ga-ga for them.

    • Anonymous says:

      Totally. Vocalist should learn to shut up instead of shitting all over the song. The guitars are so un-melodic, they grind on your ears in a bad way. Post-thrash needs to go away, fucking sick of that convoluted shit. What the fuck is wrong with the ears of people who claim to be UI fans? Maybe all that muscle on stage makes them feel invincible for a few minutes. Maybe if they support the band, the vocalist will help them to beat up their enemies or something. Whatever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s